
25 Things I’d Rather Do Than Suffer Through Another 90-Degree Day in Tuscaloosa
The high today is 90 dang degrees. It is September. There is NO excuse. NONE. Why does it feel like a dumpster fire outside? What did I do to deserve this? Was it that time I took two pennies from the gas station change bucket? Or the time I didn't answer the door when the Jehovah's Witness dudes came by my house? I don't know, but I apologize. I am OVER this garbage weather. Here are --- things I'd rather do than endure another 90-degree day in Tuscaloosa:
- Get stung by an angry wasp
- Not be able to use Chapstick for two weeks
- Eat whole raw beets
- Die
- Make out with Andrew Dice Clay
- Get shot in the foot
- Run a marathon
- Drink a bottle of Canola oil
- Shop on Black Friday
- Debate politics at a family reunion
- Walk barefoot over Legos
- Take a sucker punch to the face
- Watch my family do chores incorrectly and not be able to say anything to them even though THAT'S NOT HOW YOU LOAD THE DISHWASHER, BABY
- Wear Crocs to a debutante ball
- Be stuck in McFarland Boulevard rush hour traffic
- Watch Caillou
- Solve equations
- Drink room temperature V8
- Gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon
- Listen to Fran Drescher sing an aria
- Fight with random people on Twitter
- Go to a high school reunion in a fat suit
- Not be able to put my debit card away fast enough and feel a million eyes judging me in the in the checkout lane
- Have six consecutive root canals
- Give up sugar for all eternity
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